oh my gosh. just read my sec 1 blog, i was so funny! i was a step to turning ah lian seriously. who i am hates who ive been.

but i love what eric said in his poem, its absolutely correct and what more, its beautifully poetic. 

“A ghost remains. What you have done

Marks and shapes what I’ve become”

gorgeous, seriously. sorry eric i hate to quote, ur poems are way awesome (:

pre u sem was okay cept i was like a zombie. i sleep so much its creepy! i miss fani like hell loads. seeing an empty bed next o be just doesnt feel nice.

didnt meet isaac in the end thanks to pre u sem. then fell asleep so couldnt meer Derek. will meet him tmw, and gosh havent gotten his present

gotta get off the net soon! i really want a hug and a kiss super badddddly.

i wish i had a kid. hahaha.

i feel so awake after all the naps and stuff.

jo’s asking me whether i can go over to jb for my bdae and spend it with her and daniel. DANIEL. very FUNNY! everyone knows what ill be doing on my fucking 18th birthday. waiting for some bloody wish or sms or smth. which isnt fun-.-

and when im 19 ill look back and say “oh my, what a loser i was back then”

just one month plus to my birthday and ill be older

 

 

 

 

fuck, im still not over u.

 

ok first things first.

im gonna reactivate my fb. i know erics gonna say why no determination all that. but its not that im addicted, maybe abit, but hols are gonna be sooo boring, so i gota find smth to keep me company

yesterdaywas quite okay. had this lit rocket program, it was really fun to get to mix with lit people from other classes and they are so smart :O my group mates are priscilla, gabriel and nadia. hahh. they are really nice and its fun talking to them about lit. (i sound super geeky!) and yesterday we had this special lit lecturer, she was oh so inspiring, i loove the way she spoke! gentle yet firm. got back to the hostel, with noval helping me carry the blazer, trm kasih cute junior tried to sleep, then thought about some stuff i shouldnt be thinking off so decided to go running. jas was on the way back so she decided to walk with me to CJ. so we walked, talked, everything.

after that i ran back to OH.  played tennis with trung and jeremy. (even though i know im bad, i must ackbowledge that my batchmates are really sweet to match up to my standard :> two hugs for both of u!) Jeremy said hes creeped out that i changed SO much, but hes really proud of me. i guess thats what matters, putting the past behind and changing for the future. this reminds me of the english essay i wrote, “history never stays in the past”. so i guess im gonna assimilate it with the futuyre. but i love one thing ms lin once said ” I WONT ALLOW MY FEAR OF THE PAST GOVERN THE WAY I LIVE TODAY”. super duper apt

after that the AJ NY people had a meeting in oldham. joind them. saw bobby :D:D he said he’ll drive me arnd when im back. yippeeeeee x) someone reminded me of him, worst still by saying “jia you for ur relationship!” well, i guess its these kinda things that remind me, but i dont blame her! these are things that i gotta learn to live with, whether i like it or notx) talked to mei and cyndi. i cant believe cindy’s eye candy is @#$%^&. OH MY TIAN. i swear the guy i wrote the song for is extremely cuteeeee though yan sheng doesnt think so!

After the party. played this game with cindy, ms chin yee, asher’s add, matthew and tong. OMG, matthew is SOOOO funny when he plays. he takes a few mins to make a step, talk about kiasu! the game reminded me of cold war, and i really like it. its super fun and i won two rounds and lost one. WOW im starting to think intellectual games are fun. *three claps for vanessa!*

this morning when to Mr chua’s house for breakfast. there was LOADS of cereal! yumyum

NOW, im not supposed to be on the com cuz im supposed to be rushing off to NUS, but as usual van as usual.

later gonna meet isaac whose gonna teach me arab israeli war cuz too lazy to read it. one last time i promise x)

after that gonna meet derek whose gonna pass me the sim card. OMG, that reminds me i havent gotten his bdae pressie so i gotta squueze that in later somehow, someway or another.

at night gonna see some merlion thing with cindy! lol

i ahve tuition tmw, and i have not done a thingggg.

gonna go for church alone tmw, cuz eugene decided to go to city harvest for a change! lol, its okay dude, dont worry x)

todays gonna be busy busy busy. but i need that word to get my mind off things.

a few days more to home! i want to go home BADLY.

oh and its my precious sisters birthday today!

DEREK FOOO!!!!!!!!!! happy 19th.

may u get married fast! i dont know why i said that

omg, i miss talking to u ALOT. staying up till 4 on msn or msges, seeing your stupid and qian bian face, laughing at ur cynicism, oh man, i just miss you hahaha

lets hope ull get in an awesome uni

wow, i nearly cried when i read that. note the word nearly, and yes im getting better. thank you everyone who has been oh so supportive, im gonna get over it

im like addicted to the song “the man who cant be moved” hahah.

sometimes i still get that dash of fear again

i still wanna ask u some stuff?

people ask me why im so fucking dumb to wanna meet u during june. even though i know theres no hope. well, i just want to see you leave me in good condition, so that i know that ur in good hands i suppose

bobby’s coming this weekend! i hoope he makes me feel betterx)

i know this is super annoying, but since im bored, what else to do but blog? not like im forcing ya to read this anw

(:

bobby’s coming this weekend! thats quite funny cuz im going home soon anw. I miss bobby like friggin alot. I’ll never forget the first time i met him last year, we were like talking downstairs and it was study time so the ahms chased us up. so he pretended to teach me lit, and he doesnt even do lit. haha. oh well, i miss you mad dude! I miss seeing you around though apparently there were rumours hahaha. cant wait to catch up throughly with ya x)

oh and i taught my retarded junior econs yesterday. i swear khaijihn, even though you made my blood BOIL, you made my day at the same time. I guess i shouldnt have judged you before i reallly gotta know you. Cuz ur retardedness, innocence, naiveness makes me LOL!

melvin just announced ” SINCE WHEN DOES A GUY SHOP ONLINE MAN”. wait, whats wrong with a guy shopping online?!

holidays! i dont know whats in line for me.

-I wanna get things cleared out first i guess. i dont know if u wanna btu itll mean alot to me if we can talk things out no matter what the conclusion is
-MUGGING ALOT:D with cyndi! hehhhh cindy i mean
-and RUNNINGGGGG. must lose weight lose weight lose weight
-Meet derek for his birthday! everytime i think bout birthdays, i think about the time u came for my party and u told hj “u happyu for wad. not ur bdae also” :< ur gonna get it this time
-Praying alottttttttt. im still soul searching
-Thinking of rendering my services (hello, for lit) to the juniors in the hostel. im not sure how many of them really need help in lit though hehh.

bobby said hes most likely going to SMU! whoowheeee x) ok im not gonna say i hope u dont get a scholarship to UK cuz i do hope u do even though i hope ull stay in SG AS WELL

just now i talked to a bird. i think the birds in my schools understand what i say ya know. and i msged cindy about it. i think she thinks im crazy

Well, birds of a feather flock togetherrrr <3

 

everyones laughing at mr chans and mr fahmi’s email add now. i think if i really wanna become a teacher, i gotta change my email add! alwayzme91 just wouldnt do!

 

econs now. no more comp for today. i promise promise promise x)

Gp lesson now! haha

im quite happy that mr chans not angry though i walked out of class just like that. well i could not help it and even though i do admit it is my fault, but oh well.

gona go out with derek one of these days. Its his bdae on thurs! how exciting. still deciding what to get him for his birthday. hahaha 19th birthday!

Im worried bout my 18th birthday. i realllly hope i dont cry!

im so superrrr sleeeeeepy haha fani’s going off on fri! which means one week i have to sleep alone! but hopefully cindy will be there IF she doesnt go off with her sis! hahah

PREYOUSEM on thursday apparently the guy im emceeing for is some big shot so i hope i dont screw up too much

can u tell me the link between your quotation and the question? omg, mr chan is haunting me. i better get back to gp! and kannan just dropped the whole bloody keyboard!

whoowhee we are talking about criminals now, and its incredibly BORING.  im dying to cut my hair

I remember when the days were long
and the nights when the living room was on the lawn.
Constant quarreling the childish fits
and our clothes in a pile on the ottoman.
All the slander and double speak were only foolish attempts
to show you did not mean,
anything but the blatant proof was your lips touching mine in the photobooth.

And as the summers ending the cool air rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
and this is all that’s left
scraping paper to document.
I’ve packed a change of clothes and it’s time to move on.

Cup your mouth to compress the sound,
skinny dipping with the kids from a nearby town.
And everything that I said was true
as the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.
Well I lost track and then those words were said,
you took the wheel and you steered us into my bed,
and soon we woke and I walked you home
and it was pretty clear that it was hardly love.

And as the summers ending,
the cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
and this is all that’s left, scraping paper to document.
I’ve packed a change of clothes and it’s time to move on.

And as the summers ending,
the cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
as the alcohol drained the days.
And as the summers ending,
the cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending.
And this is all that’s left,
The empty bottles spent cigarettes, so pack a change of clothes
’cause its time to move on.

 

 

sometimes, i just remember. especially the day he left.

all my batchmates are incredibly supportive, and im really really really lucky. nowdays   can speak of him without tearing.

Ibam asked me if ive forgotten, and if i have how come so fast. well, the answer is no, duh, i havent forgotten. given my perfect memory, its not that easy to forget okay. but i guess learning to get on with life is different from forgetting.

I kept asking does moving on mean to hang on and stay, or does it simply mean to walk away. i guess abit of both, and thats what ill try to achieve. and dont worry, im single but not available! not yet at least =)

 yst mdm chitra msged and said shes drowning in pre u sem! so am i! ah. i want a danzathon outing soon! i miss J1. i miss drowning in schol activities. i guess i was so engrossed in a relatiionship that i forgot how fun it could get actually

guys, i promise ill get well asap! really! (: and ill change my attitude towards stuff. dont get angry if im still slightly hostile and cold. it’ll be over soon

and lenk, thanks for hearing me out yesterday! some best friends may not always be physcially there, but emotionally and mentally, they enver once moved a step. ily and u know that!

listening to “singalong song” now. x) its really nice not cuz im biased but well it is.

talked to kenny in sch today, and i guess he made me feel abit better.

walked out of class cuz i just couldnt stand it anymore.

and cried abit but fani and cyndi was damn sweet. false alarm

and, guess what, i finally made up my mind, for REAL! but eugene says my made up mind is bound to change

boo you u idiot!!!!

gonna send michelle off on sat, dont know when someone’s flight is if not… x) heheh just kidding la. 

fai says” VANN!!!! HW COME UR SUDDENLY ONLINE!” thus, van is going offline now. toodles

im gonna go island cremery later!

(:

went to churh with eugene. thanks dude lah. i mean for being so fucking encouraging. and i wanna apologize cuz when everyone though t u were trying to mess up my reationship u were trying to protect it (: and im grateful despite times that i am rude to u hahaha but u know i still appreciate ur friendship and stuff. 

 

 

 

Ps, im really sorry i keep rejecting you and everything but i dont know how to put it in direct words that i do not want to be MORE THAN A FREAKING FRIEND. im so sorry i hurt ur feelings thats in the past! if u wanna be friends im totally fine with it just dont be so damn aggressive u freak me out! and if u know im gonna reject u to go out, then do not ask me. please dont degrade urself to that stage. As a friend, i dont want you to devalue urself. an becuz im too cowardly to say this to u straight to ur face cu z i feel freaking bad, im writing it here. i hope u understand. 

 

and i just read yan shengs article! dude, im freaking proud of u. seriously seriously am (: (: (: ur growing to be a gorgeous young man. i should stop it before u stop calling me jie jie and call me auntie man. but really, im proud of u

i was talking to him last night. for his own privacy purposes, i wont mention who.

and im really happy that he was willing to open up to me. its like i dont know, the feeling of being able to protect someone through the experience you had is great.

(:

i dont know how i learnt to trust him so fast. i guess i saw so much him in me. and perhaps we’re even exactly the same, the stuff we went through. i feel like he knows whats going on, even though i havent told him everything. his love life, family school so much similarities.

 people always tell me how good looking and cool and handsome and talented he is. and no doubt, i do agree. even though i never admit it, i do think hes one of the best looking people i know. yet, the recent break up taught me to look past all the superficiality and elearn to look at someone from the inside.

and breaking through that cool facade, i see a guy so hurt, yet so tender and willing to recover.and somehow thats s like me. people expect me to be strong, just cuz im the kinda girl that will beat u up if u give me crap or verbally abuse you to get my way, glare at you, dao u if i cant be bothered about you. but only people who really know me know that im strong on the surface but deep inside im a softie. 

it was so easy for people to just fall for him like that. but now i see that this guy has qualities far more than being able to fulfill that of a good boyfriend to show off of. He’s friendship love and care is way more precious man!

thank you for allowing me to walk with you through this difficult time. a week ago, talking about chuen and my family would make me cry nuts.

yet i was able to brace myself and teach him as much as i could. im proud of myself for that. (:

i feel like ive just gained a new brother, and i pray that god will protect him, love him, and give him the strength that i was blessed with when i walked the troughs of the difficult times.

 

 

 

sometimes it feels like we’re forgetting each other too fast. way too fast. it scares me. It scares me to know that the only guy ive ever truly loved is fading from my mind, subtly but not slowly.